Unicorns and Bulls: How to Be the Single Every Couple Wants Back

Ask any experienced couple about their best nights in the lifestyle, and a surprising number of the stories involve a great single. The single woman who made a nervous couple feel completely at ease. The single guy who was so respectful that a couple who'd sworn "never" changed their minds by midnight.

Ask them about their worst nights and singles show up there too. The difference almost always comes down to a few habits.

This guide is for singles who want to be the guest every couple hopes to see again, and for couples who want to treat singles the way they deserve. Read your section, then read the other side. It'll make you better at both.

First, the terms

• Unicorn: a single woman who enjoys meeting couples. The name is a nod to how rare and sought-after a great one is.

• Bull: a single man who enjoys meeting couples, usually at the couple's invitation and on their terms.

• Single male: the general term for single men at lifestyle events, whether or not they think of themselves as bulls.

For the full vocabulary, see our lifestyle dictionary.

For unicorns

You're probably the most welcome guest in any room you walk into. That's a great position to be in, and it also means you'll get a lot of attention. These habits help you enjoy it on your own terms.

Know your own yes before you arrive

Couples spend weeks talking through their boundaries. You deserve the same clarity. Before the night, decide what you're open to, what's off the table and what would make you leave early. It's much easier to say no to an offer you already decided against.

Meet both partners, and watch how they treat each other

The best couples to spend time with are the ones who are clearly solid together. Pay attention to how they talk to each other. Do they both seem excited, or is one partner doing all the talking while the other looks unsure? If only one of them seems into it, that's your cue to keep it social.

You're a guest, not a gift

Some couples arrive with a very specific fantasy and treat the single woman as the final piece of it. A good couple wants to know you: your name, your sense of humor, what you're into. If you feel like a prop instead of a person, you're allowed to walk away, mid-conversation if needed.

Plan your own way home

Arrive on your own terms and leave on your own terms. Know how you're getting home before the night starts, keep your phone charged and let a friend know where you are. You should never feel like you need a couple's car or apartment to end the night.

Use the hosts

At a well-run event, hosts and staff are there for you. If someone won't take no for an answer, or you just want an introduction to a couple you've been eyeing, find a host. That's exactly what we're on the floor for.

For bulls

Here's the honest truth: single men have the hardest time getting invited into the lifestyle, and most of the reasons are other single men. The good news is that a respectful, patient guy stands out immediately. These are the habits that make couples say yes.

The couple leads. Always.

This is the most important rule there is. The couple decides if, when and how far anything goes. Your job is to be good company, follow their lead and never push past where they've set the line. Couples can tell within minutes whether a single man understands this.

Talk to him as much as you talk to her

A lot of single guys focus entirely on the woman and treat her partner like an obstacle. That's the fastest way to be politely shown the bar. Shake his hand, include him in the conversation and earn his trust too. In many couples, he's the one who needs to feel comfortable first.

Be patient enough to seem like you don't need it

Couples can feel urgency, and urgency is unattractive. Talk, laugh, have a drink, enjoy the music. Some of the best connections start with a single guy who seemed perfectly happy to just be at the party.

Take no like a gentleman

You'll hear more noes than yeses, and that's normal for everyone. A warm "no problem, enjoy your night" and a graceful exit is remembered. Sulking, negotiating or asking "what about later?" is remembered too, for the wrong reasons. In a community this connected, your reputation travels.

Show up ready

Dress well, be freshly showered, keep your cologne subtle and bring protection. Know your boundaries and be ready to share them. Keep your phone in your pocket. Every one of these sounds obvious, and every one of them sets you apart.

Understand the caps

Most lifestyle events cap the number of single men, and ours do too. Tickets are sold by category so every room stays balanced and comfortable. It isn't personal. It's the reason the room is worth getting into, and it's why the single men who do get in tend to be welcomed.

For couples who want to meet singles

Singles take on real risk walking into a room full of couples. The couples who treat them well get the best experiences, and get a reputation that makes great singles seek them out.

• Agree on everything before you go. Never figure out your boundaries in front of a single. Have that conversation at home.

• Tell them your rules early. If it's soft swap only, same room only or girl-girl only, say so up front. Clarity is a kindness.

• Treat them as a person, not a role. Learn their name. Ask about their life. Make sure they're having fun too.

• Don't make them referee your relationship. If one of you gets uncomfortable, step away together and talk privately. Never put a single in the middle of a couple's disagreement.

• End the night kindly. If it's not a match, say so warmly. If it was great, tell them, and follow up the way they're comfortable with.

For more on getting aligned as a couple, read how to talk to your partner about the lifestyle.

Where singles and couples actually meet

Meeting at a play party works for some people, but a lot of singles and couples prefer to get to know each other first, with a drink and no pressure. That's why we built Mutuals: Couples + Unicorns & Bulls.

It's a social night held at a bar or lounge, with no play on site. Everyone fills out a short questionnaire ahead of time, and we match couples with unicorns and bulls based on what each of them is actually looking for. Tickets are capped by category to keep the room balanced, so the singles who are there are singles couples want to meet.

Find the next date on our events page, brush up on our unwritten rules of etiquette, and join the LustLetter so you hear about every night before tickets go public.